A Modest Plea to the ‘Jurassic World’ Franchise: No More Mutant Dinosaurs

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[Editor’s note: The following article contains some spoilers for “Jurassic World: Rebirth.”]

He’s the first big bad we meet in Gareth Edwards’ “Jurassic World: Rebirth.” He’s massive. He’s mad. He’s under major lock and key. Wait, is he even a he? Weren’t all the dinosaurs of “Jurassic Park” female to begin with? Nevermind, look how that turned out. He’s the D-Rex! More officially, he’s the Distortus Rex, an absolutely horrifying amalgamation of other dinosaur parts, featuring a massive, bulging cranium, four front arms (only two of which I could personally see in my screening of the film), and enough attitude to power a dozen (relatively) teeny little T-Rex.

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But the emphasis here is on the horrifying. Not the terrifying or the scary or frightening, the horrifying. I don’t fear the D-Rex. I pity him. I want him to be left alone. And, perhaps most crucially: I don’t want to look at him. (I sure as hell don’t want to purchase him for a child to play with.) This is, of course, a problem for a villain who appears in an artform that’s a visual medium.

Director Edwards himself described the D-Rex to Empire in May as “kind of like if the T-Rex was designed by H.R. Giger, and then that whole thing had sex with a Rancor.” Oh. Well, yes, mission accomplished.

Added ILM’s David Vickery in that same Empire article: “It’s as if another animal has been wrapped around the T-Rex. Gareth wanted us to feel sorry for it as well as terrified, because its deformities have caused it some pain, and there’s an encumbrance to it.” Well, then, again, yes, mission very accomplished.

Mutant dinosaurs — or, more gently, genetically modified hybrid dinosaurs — have been a part of the “Jurassic” franchise from the start. After all, every dinosaur we see in these films is, technically speaking, a genetically modified hybrid, though the mutant guys and gals, the species-spliced freaks, the D-Rex and the Indominus rex and Mutadons and whoever else the sickos at InGen have cooked up over the years, feel a fair bit different than the usual (the classic) T-Rex and stegosaurus and velociraptors.

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While I fully understand that these mutant dinosaurs are very, very much a commentary on blockbuster filmmaking, franchising, and merchandising in general (as “Jurassic Park” and “Jurassic World: Rebirth” screenwriter David Koepp recently told IndieWire, yes, there was “a little self-reference going on there, as [we] pan over to the ‘Jurassic Park’ lunchbox and pajamas. … In the first movie I was struck by the irony that I’m writing a movie about greedy theme park people for Universal, a profitable theme park company”), the “Jurassic” movies don’t exist in that world.

Sam Neill in ‘Jurassic Park’©Universal/Courtesy Everett Collection

These movies exist in a world where dinosaurs are alive again. But, as we’re told throughout the “Jurassic World” series, that’s simply not enough to get people into the parks. They need an extra thrill. They need something bigger, badder, scarier, and totally made up. I don’t buy it. The usual dinosaurs, the enduring ones, those speak to the wonder and magic that made “Jurassic Park” such a thrilling franchise from the start. The unwieldy, pathetic mutant dinosaurs? They’re not speaking out against the problems of franchise filmmaking, they’re playing right into it.

After seeing Edwards’ film a couple of weeks back, I was all too eager to chat about two major, instant obsessions: There are a pair of dinosaurs that make out in this film and also we’re expected to believe that everyone is bored with dinosaurs? Real dinosaurs? Dinosaurs that might make out in front of you?

“Rebirth” picks up five years after the events of “Dominion,” nine years after the events of “Fallen World,” almost 10 years since the events of “Jurassic World,” and nearly 30 years after the events of “Jurassic Park.” You’re telling me that 10 years after the events of “Jurassic World,” the world’s population is sick of dinosaurs?

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Even in our actual world — the same world in which we were denied the most obvious of all “Jurassic” movies, a sequel to “Fallen World” that actually depicted what it would be like to live on a planet with dinos just strutting around — that simply doesn’t hold water. People haven’t gotten sick of Disney World, and that place has existed (and thrived) for over 50 years, and they’ve done it without gene-splicing Mickey, Minnie, or Pluto.

‘Jurassic World: Dominion’Universal Pictures

When I spoke to “Jurassic World” director Colin Trevorrow last month on the eve of Edwards’ film being released, we talked a bit about the enduring power of the “Jurassic” franchise. At the time (and not included in our original interview), Trevorrow noted: “Every three years, there is going to be a new generation of kids who really want to watch a movie about dinosaurs and a bunch of adults who are like, ‘It’s been three years, I’m going to need some dinosaurs in my life. That’s an amazing kind of franchise to have and I’m so proud of what it’s become and where we built it over all those years.”

Trevorrow also pointed to animated series “Jurassic World Camp Cretaceous,” yet another extension of the franchise that, wouldn’t you know it, doesn’t feature a damn D-Rex in sight. “If you’re a kid who’s born now and you decide, ‘Hey, I might want to check out some dinosaurs,’ you’ve got three movies and nine seasons of animated television that all lock together into one long story,” he added.

Again, he said this about the film franchise. Every three years or so, movie fans get itchy for more on-screen dinosaur goodness, and you’re expecting me to believe that this would not directly relate to how people feel about actual dinosaurs?

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It’s fine, it’s true, and I’ll say it: I’d go to Jurassic Park now. I would. Even after everything. And you would, too. (Maybe, no, not all of you, but absolutely enough of you to sustain this glorified theme park beyond a mere decade.) But I’m getting pretty sick of attending “Jurassic World” and expecting to have my wonder sparked by creatures who never walked this planet before, never should have, and sure as heck don’t make me feel giddy about the movies or the science behind them.

As a movie-goer, the tactile, you-could-touch-them joy of Steven Spielberg’s first film remains unmatched. There is no wonder in seeing a VFX-ed to high heaven fake dinosaur stomping around a green-screened environment, the layers of fake on top of fake doing nothing to trick our eyes (or our hearts).

In short: No more mutant dinosaurs!

A Universal Pictures release, “Jurassic World: Rebirth” is now in theaters.

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