Humor: Feedback from your vacation self

Hey, it’s me, your vacation self — the version of you that goes on vacation.

You’re probably surprised to hear from me, but it’s summer, and I wanted to reach out before my next vacation.

I’m not sure where you plan on sending me this summer. But, as the version of you that goes on vacation, I have an important perspective I think you should understand.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated it when you sent me to the south of France last year. J’etais très heureuse!

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It’s just, I’ve been told you complained about me afterward. So, I also want to clarify what you can and can not expect from me, as a vacation you.

Because you’re not perfect either.

First of all, you pack way too much stuff! I don’t need five bathing suits. If I’m ever going topless on the beach, it’s on vacation in the south of France!

Don’t worry, if I ever do, there will be no photographic evidence.

I definitely don’t want to iron. (Do you ever iron? I just have this feeling you don’t.) I want things I can just throw on, preferably while mildly buzzed.

I want to be comfortable. Do NOT stop packing those orthopedic flip-flops.

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But one thing you can stop packing is workout outfits.

The only workout I get on vacation is carrying them in that enormous suitcase.

I hate that thing — lugging that around doesn’t feel like a vacation. It feels like work!

Also, please cut back on the toiletries. I don’t like makeup and only use it for a few photos — for you!

YOU’RE WELCOME!

I also need you to understand that, although I’m flattered you think I can read 17 books in two weeks, you must remember I’m on vacation with your family. I don’t have that kind of time.

I wish I did. If you sent me on a solo vacation, I’d read a TON of books. I promise.

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This is a great idea and one I’d love for you to explore.

Anyway, if you only pack what I’ll use, I can just take a carry-on bag! That will still leave plenty of space for snacks!

You’re kind of stingy on those.

More snacks would also help reduce my spending, which, since you seem to only book 3-star hotels, I’m guessing is something you’ll appreciate. That hotel room in Marseille was so small I couldn’t open the door to the room when my ginormous suitcase was open!

If you were hoping small hotel rooms would help prevent me from eating and drinking too much, well, they don’t. Like you, not only do I not have willpower, but I also have access to many more appetizers, drinks, and desserts.

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You think I eat and drink too much, but trust me when I say it could be so much worse! (Case in point: Your husband’s vacation self.)

You and I are a lot alike. According to your family, I’m just more laid back and fun. But that’s probably because I have fewer responsibilities than you — and fewer rules.

I’m on vacation!

I know you think I’m going to dress in stylish outfits, work out, and read entire books every day, but here’s the truth: I don’t want to.

And I’m definitely never going to diet or get into better shape.

The bottom line is that when planning vacations, remember that you wouldn’t want to work harder on vacation. You would want to be lazy and indulge!

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I do what you wish you could always do! I’m just like you.

The rest of me will be a slightly younger (mentally, if not physically), more carefree, financially irresponsible, and adventurous you.

So, plan accordingly!

If you can do that, I promise to continue to buy you awesome souvenirs! You must be the only one in Des Moines with a hot pink sari, a Japanese paper parasol, and an authentic Bavarian dirndl.

You lucky lady.

What I will not do: Go on work trips or travel to watch your kids play sports.

And no, I will not be visiting your in-laws.

Yahoo CreatorJennifer HaubrichThoughtful pieces on parenting and humorous essays when you need a break from adulting. Equally heartfelt and funny in person, according to my husband and at least one of my daughters.FollowFollow